The coffee machine jammed this morning. Grounds packed too tightly, nothing more. I noticed my jaw was already clenched before I'd registered any irritation at all — body ahead of the narrative again. That's the sequence I keep finding: sensation first, then a small story assembles itself ("of course, of all mornings"), and then the feeling arrives as if it needed the thought as permission.
May Day. I haven't decided what I make of that.
Eleven days into the screen experiment. The parameters, as I set them: no backlit screens after 21:30, a paper book instead, and then in the morning I sit for a few minutes and notice whatever is present without trying to name it prematurely. The results are less dramatic than I half-hoped. Mornings feel different — not sharper exactly, but less cluttered in the first twenty minutes. My shoulders are lower. The back of my eyes, which sometimes feel gritty by midday, haven't done that this week. What I can't yet separate: whether it's the absence of the screen, or the slower ritual of the final hour, or simply the fact that I'm paying attention at all. The Hawthorne problem, as always. I'm leaving the question open until Sunday.
There was a moment Tuesday evening worth noting. Sitting in the kitchen after dinner, nothing on, not reading. My chest felt slightly loose — not relaxed exactly, just present. Not anxious. What struck me later was that my first instinct was to justify it, to find a use for the stillness. I suspect I've been collapsing solitude and productive solitude into the same category for a long time. That might be its own experiment.
The question I want to sit with: is the quiet I'm looking for actually rest, or is it another form of work?
Tomorrow, first thought on waking. Where does it point.
#journal #selfexperiment #attention #solitude