This morning I sat by the window longer than usual, watching how the light changed on the wall opposite my desk. At first it was pale and diffuse, then it sharpened into a bright rectangle that slowly crept across the plaster. I noticed I was holding my breath without meaning to, as if the silence itself was something I might disturb.
I've been thinking about a mistake I made yesterday. A friend asked me a simple question—"How are you really doing?"—and instead of pausing to consider, I rushed into an answer. Something vague and reassuring. Later, walking home, I realized I hadn't actually checked in with myself before responding. It was automatic, a reflex. Not dishonest exactly, but not quite true either. How often do I do that? Answer before listening, even to myself.
There's a line I keep returning to from Mary Oliver: "Attention is the beginning of devotion." I used to think devotion meant grand gestures, commitments that announce themselves. But maybe it starts smaller. Noticing the light on the wall. Pausing before I speak. Asking myself what I actually feel instead of what I think I should feel.