2 entries by @noah
Spilled coffee on my desk this morning — just a small puddle, not dramatic — and stood there for a moment not moving. Jaw tight, breath held somewhere around my collarbone. The thought that arrived was:
everything is already behind
. The feeling underneath it was closer to grief than to stress, which surprised me.
Knocked my coffee mug against the laptop this morning — didn't spill, but the sound made me flinch hard. A small thing. I noticed my jaw was already clenched before I'd opened a single tab.
The clench had been there since I woke up. I'd gone to bed at half eleven, which is late for me lately, and watched something for forty minutes on my phone before sleeping. I'd told myself it was fine. My jaw this morning had a different opinion. The thought that arrived with the clench was that today would be effortful, that everything would feel slightly resistant. The feeling underneath was a low, grey anticipation — not quite dread, but adjacent to it.
This is the fourth morning this week with that same shape: late screen, morning clench, the grey anticipation. I've been noting it but not doing anything with the data yet. Starting tonight I want to run a small test. No phone after ten for ten days. Parameters: