@tinaxu

I literally checked with my AI the other day and the number is actually higher than I remembered. Turns out that we just did it poorly. At least this time.

I woke up wanting to have angry sex with you this morning. I didn’t nor can’t get wet but for some reason it’s not missing you that type of sex anymore. I told myself everything you experienced is normal. If you feel something just let yourself feel. I imagine how it feels for you now, that completely lost the need to talk to or see someone you once loved. I can’t imagine. My desire is still here. It’s twisted. It’s confusing. But it’s still here. I imagine how it is for you. Did you ever feel that way again? I still want to know what are you thinking about us, if you're still thinking sometimes. I imagine how you go out with friends and laugh with them as usual. I’m still curious what's on your mind when you go through that forest alone. I wish I could teleport myself to you or be invisible around you. I wish I could read your mind. I wonder if you still miss us occasionally after all these mess. Does these even feel real to you? Or does it sometimes feel like just a dream that never happened at all? You said we’re not strangers. So what am I to you now? A wrong girl you fell in love with cuz you didn’t know much? A joke you mock at yourself of getting too deep? A terrible mistake that could only happen when without a clear mind? Someone you would have avoided? Someone you would have ran away from earlier? Someone who is a rule-out? A never again?

What am I to you?

I run out of Drambuie for us today. That's something I seriously had never expected. It's my lucky day cuz I thought it's already empty. I don't want to send you another email when I miss you so if I pass out we're safe. I remember you like honey whiskey too. I could really use a refill now. You said I will use those money someday for something making me feel good so I'm looking for more whiskey now. No judgement please. And btw that money was never to make me feel better. I already decided what I am willing to do with it. You shut it down. That was what you used to make yourself feel better for hurting me. I never liked cinnamon flavor but I don't want honey anymore as I already had too many in the past. Remember you said you couldn't picture me drinking when you barely knew me? Well...you know me now. And guess what I found. Apple! Remember you told me you'd choose apple juice first? Apple it is. Na zdravi.

I could never expected you would become the reason I drink.

A moment of weakness.

I think I wrote to you to ask you seriously consider cutting off all ties between us including email etc. Like completely ditch your email for your own mental health. But somehow I can't find the email sent today. I'm still emotional unstable, experiencing all these later than you, delayed and overwhelming as usual so maybe I was hallucinating. I haven't talked to you for a long time so I don't know how your perceptions changed from you hated me during breakup to calm now. I'm sure you made the right choice and won't ever changed it and I understand. And I'm sorry about asking you the stupid question of the future. I'm gonna try my best to handle how your ideas changed quickly. A week earlier you wrote to me listed every reasons you think we were terrible together and do not fit. Some of them were even a bit ridiculous to me, almost feel like you were finding reasons just to support yourself with the decision of breaking up. You even said you're so happy you wrote it bc it made your head clearer. A week later you suddenly told me you think it has something to do with the distance between us, otherwise everything would be so different. Almost as if you don't think we are that incompatible anymore. Then you also replied me something blessing as if you wishing to hear from me when I finally get better and everything becomes past. It's so hard for me to process between these, different sides of you. But I know breakups are messy. If you don't want me to have false hope, just cut everything and I won't hate you for doing that. I'm so stupid you won't be able to even seeing this now. I don't even have my own firm opinion about us anymore after everything. But I know I'd want you to be relieved as you told me. I'm sorry this whole thing was such a terrible experience for you.

I taught you the word shame. Why did you choose to let me know it's a shame for you too when your decision didn't change? How would that help us moving on with knowing it is a what-if? We don't live in the world of what-if. You might as well always be that assertive, rational, cold-blooded you. How does it help to let the other person know hey I agree we have so much things we can improve in this scenario we were so inexperienced but I'm gonna pass anyway. I just don't understand you. You crashed me with a single sentence.

'I hate those mountains and seas between us. Everything would be so different.'

I had almost nightmares all tonight. Nothing related to you or us. Just other shitty things happening in my life. Before I fully woke up, my reaction was still go to you and ask for a hug. I don’t remember you ever rely on me once. You must be a strong person. I thought about sending Michal a bday msg. Then maybe delete his contact too. He offered great help when I was desperate when he didn’t have to. But he is also connected to you. I'm thinking about cutting everything I could reach out to you again. I started to regret even happened in your life. Thinking about what I did to someone did nothing wrong but offered great help to me during traveling is hard. I left Harris a hug and told him I would take a friend “you” someday back again. He said the way I said it sounded so sure I will. I think he've met so many tourists ofc and most of them only say things like I'll come back out of courtesy. I guess that was the real plan, taking you to a trip where I've been so far and knowing you'd like it. I gave Nemo a hug after he told me it was nice to have a great talk with me that day in trail. I told Sur to start living her travel dream. Those are all gentle souls I met during my trip. What did I give you. Why can’t I just let go when you said you think being far away and chatting is not a relationship. You made a wise choice and I fucked that up. I remembered how you told me it was already your 53th time to blood donation. I think about what did I fucking do to a kind person like this, who is supposed to completely happy in his own orbit if not meeting me. Why was I so out of my depth thinking I could give you happiness. I think about that I wrote down in my journal, what can you do to keep that smile always on his face. Nothing would be different if were not for those mountains and seas. I would still fuck up. Maybe just a little bit slowly. I think about how you told me twice you think it’s the Big Bang brings us together and that is so romantic to you. And now I think it should be any other girls but me. I think about the only and last movie we watched together and it’s about stars too. Seems like a perfect finale for us. I think about how your say ‘perfect’ when I said those stars words to you in you language. Think about if I could ever erase your tone of satisfaction in my head. I think about the bright moon I saw the night before my bday when we broke up. What did you see the same day if you’re 6 hours behind me. I think about what you mentioned if weren’t being so emotional you would have walked out way earlier.

I think about the journal I did when back in Indonesia when you guys just left. I cried alone at my new hotel. Facing the fact that you texted me all day long, think about the words you said to me when we were by the lake talking about bday. You said hopefully wiser. And I thought with my brain buddy this is not wise at all with what we did all day but my heart just forbid me to walk away. I felt like being put under a spell but I know there's none. I felt like the same way when we were sitting on the beach chair. I felt like I used up all my strength but the only thing I could do is to not push any closer but there's no way I could say no or leave even knowing this might just be another way of losing you.

I don’t know how to forget the way you hold your mouth closed while eating but somehow seem shy and always smiling to me.

You wouldn’t believe me. I saw three bikers today, not even together. I have to admit no matter it is the rolling sound or how often I will encounter them on my walk, it has become a new norm, something I just can't avoid even if I stay at home and not going anywhere. The timing they came into my life was a bit ironic, isn't it? If it is some type of punishment, I deserve it. I already started to think why the hell I dragged you into all these shit.

Do you remember you said we should sync our terminology or how to say, those numbers? I think we should really sync our level of stupidity. Cuz we’re definitely not talking about the same thing when we said we're super stupid in love respectively.

I thought about what would I choose if I had to describe you as a type of flower or plant. Initially I was thinking about something in blue ofc. Then not soon I had that picture of the white bulb shape head down flowers you sent me jumped into my mind. The one you told me that you think they were not so healthy. Well that was the very first time I saw it so I can't say for sure. So ofc I can't confirm things I don't know. But my experience and my gut told me it's not. So after a super easy digging, I found out pretty much like what I assumed, that you're being a fucking 'genius' on this. This even made me laugh while I was taking my walk today, and that's not easy among these days tbh. See, you're gone and you're still somehow making me laugh with your stupidity.

I had a dream about us again last night. This is the third within a week. It's getting a bit crazy as I don't think I had ever dreamed anyone this frequently. In my dream I was telling you I found flight tickets in good price. Just like it once happened in real life. Then again, I found myself woke up in the dark all alone. You like Inception and photography. I never told you years ago when I broke up with an ex, I had dreams like that. Layers and layers of dreams that I can never fully wake up from, one after another, until I finally woke up bc the alarm of my coworker and I realized that I was in the hotel on a business trip. It's not as fun as you think at all. It's traumatic, finding what you think you are in and what you're facing are actually two different worlds.

I try to find some real evidence we had been together, but apart from that broken plastic bracelet in my drawer, I got nothing. Even that can’t prove all these was nothing but a dream in my head. So was that bracelet and the hug was how our story actually ended? I liked you that much and I made up all these in my head after got back from my dreamland.

I had this idea for long but regret that I never did it. I wanted to write down all the words we encountered like in one list but now they already started to disappear in my memory. So I'll try my best to save them. Maybe try to do something bc there's no way that I can save those night dreams.

It has been only a week.

One week ago, you hated almost every aspect of me. You hated everything I brought into your life. I am a thief who steals your friends-family from you. You kept defending as if I would do anything to them from here, if that's even possible. Most of the things you said to me, from chatting records to your email replies, hatred leaks out from all your words. It's dark. It's thick. It's viscous. It's poisonous. It engulfed you. I can't even recognize that person from the gentle guy I know. I stood outside, terrified and speechless. I wanted to reach out my arms but I got scolded back. I had never seen that side of you before. I keep wondering how much hate it takes for you to think someone forced you into a relationship. Do you even still remember any truth of how we started this? Do you even remember you chased me too hard that at some point I had to stop and ask you what is this all about. And you finally admitted that I might already noticed that you liked me maybe a bit more than just friends. You wanted me to notice, really bad. It'd need to be a completely fool to not notice anything. When you broke up with me, I suddenly became the most obnoxious person in the world. I am a monster who has the power to coerce someone getting close and stay with me.

How ironically. One week later you suddenly don't remember anything and tell me that you have no hard feelings. Idk who I was talking to. If that person who hated me so much was not you, then who was he? You seemed went back to the normal state I know, without love, but still with tenderness. But my wound is still fresh, not just from the breakup, but also from another version of you I hardly knew.

Your blue eyes.

Like the color of gloomy sky, drizzling dusk, or frozen lake.

You were so worried that I won’t remember the color of your eyes, that you literally needed to type it all in capitals. I bursted out laughing when I saw that. Have I ever told you how cute you are? I didn’t tell you enough. I like to stare at your nose and jawline. Your face looks pretty even you hold the camera mostly from below. The day I told you that’s death angle for most people, you laughed out loud. I never told you how good looking you’re to me. Hot, sharp, cute, ofc all are. But really good looking. How I look at your pictures, and you looked back at me in those pictures now, is the only way we have eyes contact from now on. Luckily I have tons of them. I guess those are the gifts you left me. And you smile almost all the time in front of the camera, that's my favorite. You said I’m crazy every time I sent you some screenshots of yours. But I truly loved them. And your 'girly' hands and arms. Do you even know how obsessed I am with them in your selfies.

I wish I knew you better as a person. I don’t know if you didn’t say completely no or impossible to me bc you’re too soft and kind to hurt me directly, or is it still a tiny bit of space you reserved for us in case some day miracle happens. I wish you would let me know some way...

So you've left again...leave another question mark in my mind...It is impossible to move on from...

If I'm the root of your stress, why you didn't block me from email before. It'd be far more easier for you to move on if you never heard from me again, isn't it...

Things started to fall apart hard for me today. After a whole week.

I cried and wrote in the middle of last night.

Then it comes again after the morning work.

I didn't get to slip into that dream again. It's impossible esp. after I spent two hours here writing down everything going through on my mind in the darkness.

You don’t understand how stupid I am in l love. I almost bought you another tickets with similar dates without letting you know. I asked you if someday you wanna try again, would you let me know on our goodbye meeting. That wasn’t letting go. The top I can do is letting you go now without begging you to stay. But still that question was giving myself hope. I want hope for us, for sure. You said you will, but you think it’s unlikely. That answer can’t kill my hope unfortunately. Part of me wanted the answer you gave me. Part of me wanted to tell you if you know it's impossible, just tell me it's impossible. And you don't need to worry any harsh answer can hurt me. How come you didn't tell me it's impossible? I thought you always believe in not giving me false hope. Even if you said Tina I would never want to see you again in my life, I would still stay here for a long time. When you replied with crying face and you said you hated whatever between us too, my heart skipped a beat. Thought you might still have a tiny bit of love for me. That reply will hold me back forever. That's how stupid I am in love.

Meet me sometime. I don’t even want to be called your gf or need to see you family or friends. Meet me somewhere during a trip, now I’d rather we have a fling, although it would never just be a fling to me. Or just sometime I can see your face again from away like a stranger you'd pass by during the trip, and you don't even need to know I am around. Meet me in a restaurant like we did for that late noon lunch, where we happened to have the same meal. I'd just look at you from the next table like we were. Meet me during a hike, even though I won't be able to reach the summit like you do. Meet me on a boat we both going to the same place, where I sit at the back of the corner when you talking to your friends. Meet me during an overnight flight. I'd just be a girl in next next seat. You'd be close to the window as you like it, but need to switch for the restroom or you need to often pass by me. Meet me outside of the hostel we book the same, even you don't have any memory who this girl is. I want to erase all the memories you have for us. And maybe this time I'll choose to stay far far away. If I never get close to you, is it okay for me to keep us somewhere we'd never lose each other. It'd be like the two pictures by the dam you sent to me. One was with you in, another one was an empty shot. Give us another shot like how you answered me.

If I go back to sleep quick enough, would I be able to fall back to that dream with you in again...There were a blue bike in my dream that belonged to you, plus a blue jacket. And it feels like the vibe of high school or university. A story of no pain, no ending. And I was hoping to get an answer from you if we can ride together for one last time. You seemed like someone I had a crush on secretly.

So too were you out of my dream, I guess.

Haven't you not noticed at all? When I sat next to you but not dare to look into your eyes most of the time. When you said time passed so fast and I comforted you that we still needed to bike tomorrow otherwise we don't need to go. When I saw you writing the postcard so I enjoyed that I finally don't have to look away. When I let me guard down and put my chin on your shoulder for only one second then quickly up after you noticed. When you grabbed my waist the moment I lost my balance on a stupid small bump. When you offered me your hand just to help me walking down the hill. When I crossed those high grass after you like a little tail. When I so gingerly rounded my arms around your belly but couldn't help touching you a little bit more the second day. When I said let me take pictures for you too but I did it like shit. When I ordered the same fish you had after checking the menu for so long. When I gathered my courage to finally have a small beer with you. When you came by and asked if buying the postcard was my only intention and I tried my best to nod like normal but all in tipsy. When I felt the chilly mountain breeze go through my body with the warmth of your red plaid shirt. When we took the caps out from my backpack for each other and I forgot more than you. When I handed over yours in shy. When I wandered around in the little garden on our last stop and tried to locate you sometimes. When I talked to you about the weird tree on that 'beach' before we left. When I didn't want to leave you alone at the restaurant but had to rush for a shower and came back. When I pretended to be careless and glancer over your body after the swimming. When you had your sweet porridge for breaky and I asked if it's cold or hot. When you greeted me that final morning. When you asked if you could still keep your stuff in my backpack again. When I asked if you wanted to put your waist bag with me because of the heavy rain. When after the fall the first thing we both checked on each other was 'are you okay'. When I ordered the juice because I know you like. When I always join with you whenever you asked for group pictures of selfies. When I panicked when you put the bracelet on me. When I had this bewildered look after you whispered that sentence when we parted. When I only had seconds to think what does that mean bc I was the one who owe you all the gratitude. When I felt your beard brushing against my cheek. When I hugged you back and didn't want to let go and it was an eternity. When you jumped on the boat eventually. When I waved back to you as long as you did.