I think I'll stop traveling for a long time. There are places become untouchable for me forever. The trip we planned together. Sapa and the National Park. I don't think I can or I will ever go. No matter with whom or alone. Just like the gifts we have for each other left in drawers. Black boxer underwear I had it for you for sleeping during traveling. I asked you what do I do with it. You said get rid of it or give it to others. I said I can't and it's hard for your size. And I also said I love your size. A blue jacket I think you'd like. Tshirt and some tiny gifts that I planned to draw some picture on it myself. So many snakes, no snacks. The girly bracelet you had it for me. Not couple type. You said you won't give it to anyone else, even though you won't have another chance to give it to me anymore. I asked you to throw it away. You said no. I was laughing at you asking me to discard it when you even can't yourself. Then I started to remember it's not just Vietnam. My last two trips memories are so closely connected to you. Lake toba ofc, and also after that my solo trip in Malaysia. But that wasn't my solo trip anymore, to me. I took you with me. Just like you took me with you. You said, I'll always keep you with me. That solo trip with you changed me forever. I won't be able to see solo trip the way I saw it once. And I didn't know when I will be healed and have courage to do another solo trip myself again. But it's hard as my friends don't do overseas trips at all. And I have been always soloing out there. I loved it. But I loved it with you too. I'm pretty sure I won't be going anywhere this year. And I think I won't be able to do it next year.

When I decided to be with you, I recalled there was a Chinese saying I really liked about long distance relationships. And there are two exactly different versions. One is "所爱隔山海，山海皆可平"，means my love is so far away across the mountains and seas, but I'll cross them for him. Another one is "所爱隔山海，山海不可平"，means those mountains and seas would keep me and my lover apart and it can not be levelled. Guess which one I wrote down in my page for us. 

This sentence also reminds me of the song I sent it to you 'My love'. I guess what in lyrics are just a dream afterall, although I would love to see those mountains and seas so so much.

Have I told you Samosir has a romantic Chinese translated name? It's extremely beatuiful, called "夏梦诗"， in pinyin it would be xià mèng shī, translated from the pronunciation. But the beauty lies in those characters, all three each means summer, dream, poem. So dreamy. So untouchable now. I guess that waving on the boat when you left was indeed our last time seeing each other after all...I told you the other day when I recalled that goodbye I creid. You said it's sad for you too, bc you thought you're not gonna see me ever again. You said if that was a movie, you'd cry too.

You said you have lost all the romantic feelings for me and I truly believe you. It's not your fault. I did you wrong. You sounded really calm and okay during our goodbye meeting. But you cried at last when we...you said goodbye. I didn't expect it at all. I thought you're already fully over it. I said don't cry. It's okay. I asked why do you cry? You joked bc you're a princess. You know, the first time I realized how much we are alike when we do this kinda of joking. I was told by the loved ones that I make people laugh during the sad moment like goodbye. And I know I always do that and make the other person laugh after cry and it's a unique bittersweet feeling I guess. The first time I saw myself on you, like seeing a shadow. I only realized it now during the writing and I'm so slow. I think I never told you I'm really slow in reaction, like delayed. You heard me all normal in voice when we were on goodbye meeting. Even at last you cried, I didn't. I think my voice was not even shaky. Maybe it's bc I was still holding hope for us. I must be. But next day I will start to fall apart, then even worse in the next few days. Then long months and years. You said you need to go. I said okay. You said goodbye and you were waiting. I told you I don't want to say goodbye to you. So maybe I'll say it when we see each other again...or never. I think it's my words that finally made you cry. Did you find out that was a pun when I said "never"? I wasn't thinking when I said that. Literally, it means I guess if I didn't say it now, I probably will never get the chance to say goodbye to you ever again. It will be a goodbye without goodbye. But deep down, I'm also saying I would never ever want to say goodbye to you. 

Do you remember when we were in love, I told you once, always goodnight, never goodbye?

Were you trying to make me laugh for the one last time? Did you cry bc you knew again it was the last time we were in touch with each other just like Lake Toba?

Forever, untouchable, my dream lover.