You made a decision that I tried my best to understand and respect when you left. I wasn't even against it once after knowing the reasons. I never said no. You said your feelings don't go away quickly. It did. It disappeared less than 10 days. (Fuck my math) That is a fast number for anyone who has real feelings. I’ve checked around August 7th everything was fine, at least the part you told me was. You run me like a test, keeping the points for me all the time. Yes I did you wrong when my insecurities had the upper hand, multiple times. I don't expect you to understand or to forgive me for having my demon. But every time there’s something wrong, you hid it. You never told me about how you feel afterwards. You kept it inside, or only shared with your friends. I still remembered little bumps you did wrong as well. But we talked after and I let you know why I felt upset at that time and you apologized and after that it was just history for me. I erased it, like smooth the cream on the cake. Do you remember how I called you and comforted you at the airport even after you did silly things and you were a bit scared when I suggested a call? So that it doesn't hurt me anymore and it doesn't hurt us anymore. If I never talk to you about it, it would breed resentment and those resentment grow. I don't deduct points from you bc of that, or other silly mistakes. You kept points for me all the time without telling me. I was completely clueless when or how your feelings was gone. I invested myself all the same when you already secretly decided to leave, step by step. I sensed something was wrong at last but again you were not even willing to share anything with me until the breakup was done and plus nearly another week. You basically wrote me a final report of the result of your experiment and I was like the white mouse. Can you imagine how sudden it was for me when I knew it? It’s like I had a good lover and overnight it’s totally gone, like murdered gone. How does not sharing your concerns help us? Do you know how destructive and traumatic the way you break up? Not the decision, but the way you made a decision. If keeping the points is how you do relationships, then you might as well end it early cuz there're only certain points that I have in your hands right? Eventually they'll run out anyway it's just a matter of time, so why wait until the end that you finally snapped? It won't make any difference whether you wait see more or not if that's your way. Cuz I'm a human being and I make mistakes too and those states are even beyond my control especially due to this distance. If you don't want to do repair work with me or I didn't even notice I need to, you already gave up on us long long time ago isn't it. I joked us as experiment to make you feel at ease, you literally run me like an experiment and call it a relationship.
It wasn’t sudden for you but only sudden for me. Why? Have you thought about why? When you’re happy, please talk to me. When you’re tired, please talk to me. When you need a little break, please talk to me. When you’re pissed about something I messed up, please talk to me. Not just about your daily life, but how you feel about us. Every day, not just at last. If you wait until at last, it's already too late to solve anything. How hard is it to tell your partner how you really feel in a relationship? When you had this problem with me, you went to this friend. When you had another thing you didn’t like, you talked to another friend. I’m literally the last one who knows that you have been struggling and you have been so unhappy. How is it possible for any relationship to work like this? I was your the other half. I'm supposed to be the first one who knows any problems or any concerns between us. You had all these things you need to tell me timely, but I was excluded from my own person, pushed into a place that I don't even have signal from you.
You want to be pro on being rational and teach me about 5 steps? Fine, let's learn some hardcore psychology.
Psychologically, this is called perceptual dissonance, when two people are in the same relationship but hold two entirely different perceptions of reality. My feelings for you got deeper each day while you're doing deducting on me. You had long been accumulating resentment and suffering internal burnout, I assumed the relationship is perfectly okay. By the time things got laid out on the table, it is no longer about “talking through problems” — you were simply giving me your final verdict. Why can't you see we almost never "talking through our real problems"? Yes we had a little talk about how time spent and if we're too different, but not deep. Not deep enough for either of us to even noticed the real problems between us seems has a lot to do with this online mode. So if we're not even talking, there's less chance we could find out until everything is too late. When things happened, one of my first few reactions was reaching out to Michal and ask about his opinion. He saw so clearly and easily what is the real problem.
Here are the psychological explanation of your behavior:
Psychological Perspective: Why the Intimate‑Relationship Pattern of “Venting Emotions to Outsiders While Closing Oneself Off From One’s Partner” Does Not Work
1. Erodes “relational transparency” and creates massive information gaps (lack of meta communication). A core premise of intimate relationships is that each person serves as the other’s primary emotional container. The other person’s pain, exhaustion and resentment build up gradually. They run through repeated mental deliberations internally, yet you receive none of these signals.
2. Vicarious catharsis: venting to friends does not resolve the relationship’s own problems. Talking to friends can release emotions and ease immediate distress, yet this is merely emotional first‑aid, not relationship repair. Friends can offer empathy and comfort, but they lack full context about your interactions and cannot mend the rift between the two of you. Once negative feelings have been discharged with friends, the individual loses motivation to confront the conflict directly with their partner.
The psychological logic: since distress has already been processed externally, they see no reason to expend energy facing difficult conversations with their partner. As a result, the underlying issues are never addressed between the two people. Emotions are simply diverted, and the root conflicts keep accumulating.
3. Violates the “primary attachment position” within intimate relationships
According to attachment theory, romantic partners are meant to be one’s primary attachment figures. Under stress, hurt or fatigue, people’s instinctive attachment hierarchy prioritizes their partner, followed by friends and family.
When this order is chronically reversed — turning to outsiders instead of one’s partner at the first sign of trouble — two layers of harm follow: For the hurt party: I am not your ally; I am an outsider. Being shut out of their inner world fosters feelings of abandonment and distrust. Aliened relationship function: the partner becomes a last‑minute bystander rather than a teammate working through difficulties side‑by‑side. Over time, the attachment bond fades, and the psychological distance between the two grows wider.
4. Vicious cycle of conflict avoidance: “avoiding communication → accumulating conflict → eventual explosion”
This behavior is fundamentally a conflict‑avoidant coping style. People who avoid conflict fear arguments, hurt feelings and uncomfortable conversations, so they choose to stay silent. Negative emotions do not disappear when unspoken; they are internalised and pile up:
Minor discontent → withhold from partner, vent to friends → superficial peace → gradual depletion of inner tolerance threshold → reach breaking point and abandon the relationship entirely.
Avoidant individuals believe “no arguments = protecting the relationship”, but in reality they allow small issues to escalate into irreversible ones. By the time they finally speak up, there is no room for negotiation, adjustment or change, and the relationship reaches its end.
5. Undermines relational fairness and trust
Trust in relationships is built on the willingness to show one’s vulnerability, irritability and messy sides to each other. Sharing only joy while repressing all negative feelings means presenting only a curated version of oneself.
One person confides their vulnerabilities to outsiders while putting up defences against their partner. The other develops a strong sense of unfairness: everyone else knows how much you are struggling, except me.
When someone repeatedly finds out they are the last to know, they form a core belief: I cannot truly know you, and I cannot trust this relationship. Once trust is eroded, restoring things to how they were becomes extremely difficult, even with repair attempts.
6. Distinction: occasional venting to friends ≠ the destructive pattern
Healthy dynamic: vent to friends occasionally for stress relief, yet bring core conflicts back to the partner for discussion; friends play a supporting role.
The destructive pattern: all struggles and grievances are first shared externally, while the partner is kept in the dark long‑term and only receives the final outcome. Friends take over the communicative function that should belong to the romantic partner.
Conclusion
The fatal flaw of this pattern: Emotions are released externally, while conflicts quietly ferment inside the relationship. The partner is denied the chance to participate in working through difficulties and only learns the truth once everything is settled. Deprived of opportunities to evolve through arguments, communication and mutual compromise, the relationship can only head toward collapse.