I thought we agreed on no false hopes.
At least I am trying hard to remember what you said to me.
You've only replied to me twice.
First email gave me such a false hope, telling me we could have been so much more so different if not for the distance. We still could. But if you won't take any action to shorten or deal with that distance, then what good is that for me except bringing me more pain? Pictured me a mirage then told me we're not going there.
Second email you basically said you hope that we wouldn’t end up like total strangers if possible someday. You said you don’t have any expectations. But if people don’t wish for something, they wouldn’t say those things at all. I‘ve told you just in my last email it won't happen and I explained explicitly why, hoping it'd be clear. Somehow it's still not clear to you. So either you suck at reading comprehension, or I'm terrible at expressing myself.
I guess people have false hopes just gonna keep holding onto them, and sending them out as well, isn't it? I don't feed your false hopes. How hard is it to not feed it to someone you don't love anymore if you ever cared about them?
Days ago, you hated me in bones that you left me without explanation on my bday alone. I asked myself if you can be cold blooded to do such things like this. I've done shitty things but I'm not even sure about this one. Now you already dreamt about having my forgiveness and friendship in some ways? It only takes you a week. A week. As if hurting people you once called love seems like nothing to you. How real can that love be?
Seeing you say how you hated it makes me sick now. Thinking about how you said you don't want to give me false hope then you did makes me sick now. You don't hate it. Why would you ever shed tears over this? Did you ever shed tears over this? Why would you write like you're not okay and you still need healing? What exactly do you need heal from? A week later, you already talked to me with smiles and jokes, more than one. A week later, you already started to tell me what happened in your life as if we were pals. If you ever being stupid for love, that love isn't me.
One week.
You never hated what lies between us. You hate whatever that distance brings. What you hate is the effort and change, and the sacrifices you need to compromise to get what you want. You don’t want it for real. I doubt you ever want it for real. You want a dream without building it. You want a dream girl falling from the sky and be additional part of your current life. You want someone to cross the mountains for you but you can’t even give them your hand. You asked for a huge leap but you said I won't jump, you're on your own.
Whatever that distance brings hurt me too, but I never hated it. Late nights and less sleep were tough. No physical touch was tough. No real time together was tough. Having a pile of gifts waiting in line to send was tough. Can't even just throw my money to buy a ticket then see you next morning was tough. Uncertainty and insecurity were extra tough. But that's all I needed to deal with if I want us. And I wanted us.
I kinda miss the night we said goodbye. I didn’t dislike you back then. It was not a bad note of ending at all. How come you didn’t understand the minute you said goodbye we’re already strangers again? You made that decision for us to be strangers again yourself. You throw the bottles back into the ocean, instead of talking to me.
You said your girl would share your heart with your friends. Is it your real feeling that I want to have it for myself or is it another pissed up tough words you throw out to me? You showed me your impeccable doll and told me you're not her. Why chose something cruel like this to spilt up?
Why didn't you fight it together with me? Why not talking to me...