I run out of Drambuie for us today. That's something I seriously had never expected. It's my lucky day cuz I thought it's already empty. I don't want to send you another email when I miss you so if I pass out we're safe. I remember you like honey whiskey too. I could really use a refill now. You said I will use those money someday for something making me feel good so I'm looking for more whiskey now. No judgement please. And btw that money was never to make me feel better. I already decided what I am willing to do with it. You shut it down. That was what you used to make yourself feel better for hurting me. I never liked cinnamon flavor but I don't want honey anymore as I already had too many in the past. Remember you said you couldn't picture me drinking when you barely knew me? Well...you know me now. And guess what I found. Apple! Remember you told me you'd choose apple juice first? Apple it is. Na zdravi.
I could never expected you would become the reason I drink.
A moment of weakness.
That’s what I told myself you had.
You felt something emotional and you wrote to me something contradict everything you said before. You probably don't even feel the same after that moment of weakness passes.
False hope.
Didn’t you have it yourself after you're so sure you don't want to give it to me? If you really don’t expect anything from me and want us to be strangers as an ending, why did you say maybe someday I feel fine and let you know? Isn’t that the false hope I told you exactly not to hold? And you know what, you're not so good at not giving people false hope as you thought at all. You're sending mixing signals and idk why. Isn't it a bit too soon just bc you're already over this? What about my feelings on this gigantic hole you suddenly ripped open in my life?
I tried not to hate you. Tried not to think about you lied to me on important things just bc you had this beautiful dream and you wanted to fit me in. Tried not to tell myself you dragged me such a long time without even letting me how the hell things were going and feeling on your own side. I tried not to think myself a product to be tested and give a final opinion here. I tried not to ask why did you go to your friends help but not talking to me directly. I tried not to wonder why you felt like not knowing how to comfort me when you knew exactly I needed some comfort. You said I'm not easy to talk to when I'm having my short temper or in my state. You would hardly find it easy to talk to anyone while you just hurt them isn't it? How about later? Am I a person to you so unreasonable and so hard to communicate even during the normal time? If not, then why didn't you talk to me? You said I use my own standard to judge everything. Did I give the wrong impression that I asked you to ever stop seeing anyone? Or did you meant I judge how you hurt me one last time by my own standard and that was actually not hurting for you and for everyone over there? Was that 'I crossed the line' something you said but you didn't mean just to tolerate me and then hate me again for my standard later?
Every disgusting and resentful feeling I have right now is not bc you wake me up from a dream but how you woke me up from that dream. You'd rather push it down and finally spend 6 hours to write down everything unpleasant I made you feel than to spend the same 6 hours while we were still talking and figure it out together with me. Why didn't you do some patch-up work with me? I thought everything was normal after my insecurities went away while you thought everything was not okay. I used to think I did okay on our goodbye meeting given how composed I handled it. Now I think this break up is a fucking disaster that we didn't wisely cut off everything when we should have and let this slowly bleeding out phase ruined everything. If there's nothing you're even willing to change, why stay in touch? I know why I did it. But why exactly did you do it??? 'We're not strangers. I'm not gonna block you here.' Why??? You want both of us to heal properly right? Why doing stupid things.
I used to think you so happily and eagerly introduced me to everyone bc you wanted us to get to know each other, that you wanted them to know me as a person. Now I see you did that only bc you have a perfect world and I'm just a piece you tried to put in, push in, even before you know me. I already have a role to play even before I was even there myself. How stupid I am to miss that all the time? You never see me as who I am, only who you want me to be.
You said you don't want to hurt me anymore. What is more hurtful than never being truly seen?