I had a dream about us again last night. This is the third within a week. It's getting a bit crazy as I don't think I had ever dreamed anyone this frequently. In my dream I was telling you I found flight tickets in good price. Just like it once happened in real life. Then again, I found myself woke up in the dark all alone. You like Inception and photography. I never told you years ago when I broke up with an ex, I had dreams like that. Layers and layers of dreams that I can never fully wake up from, one after another, until I finally woke up bc the alarm of my coworker and I realized that I was in the hotel on a business trip. It's not as fun as you think at all. It's traumatic, finding what you think you are in and what you're facing are actually two different worlds.
I try to find some real evidence we had been together, but apart from that broken plastic bracelet in my drawer, I got nothing. Even that can’t prove all these was nothing but a dream in my head. So was that bracelet and the hug was how our story actually ended? I liked you that much and I made up all these in my head after got back from my dreamland.
I had this idea for long but regret that I never did it. I wanted to write down all the words we encountered like in one list but now they already started to disappear in my memory. So I'll try my best to save them. Maybe try to do something bc there's no way that I can save those night dreams.
stuck
tipsy
plaid
sweatpants / jogger
bunk
configuration
widget
intermittent
situationship
ambiguous
shame / pity
When I had this idea, it's bc I had the same compulsion as you do, about language, or about something I don't know and I just wanna figure it out. Now only after starting this project, I realized they are more than words, but all the keys I hold to our stories, or to my dreams.
The dream of ‘tipsy’ is that in my dream I fell in love with a boy who's into beers. He called beer his best friend and he hang out with this friend quite often. He taught me trivia about beers that I didn't know. But he didn't know the word tipsy when I mentioned it. That made me so surprised bc he has a good command of English, both speaking and written, like almost perfect to me. I have compulsion for sure but I rarely find myself had that urge to correct him. I think his was even better than me myself. So I found it interesting that this seems like just his blind spot maybe, but given all the reasons how is that even possible. That dream already got blurry and the only thing I remember is I laughed at him and told him that I'll call him 'tipsy' as his new name. He seemed like it and was very happy. He seemed had a quirk character of enjoying when I teased him. It's not a quirk to me at all bc I'm just like him. He teased me twice about my math and libido. I especially love it when he joked with 'you know?'. He warned me that this might be something he'd tease me for life. I don't mind at all. I'd beg for it. And I think he didn't know how weird I am on this. I only wondered now how annoying it must be for him to put up with my English esp. my grammar. I remember he told me how he had to hear poor English once on his online meeting and just less than a second ago from the same coworker just sit right opposite to him. That was quite hilarious. It'd drive me crazy. But he tolerated me.
The dream of ‘plaid' is that I fell in love with someone who loves plaid shirts, or by his word checkers. He even noticed that I was a tiny bit of showing off when I mentioned another word. And for the record, I had to double check this one before I told him. But I do know lots of words about clothing so I couldn't help sorry. In my dream he has idk at least 20 different plaid shirts, mostly regular, some thicker as a fall jacket and a blue special one for riding. He has all colors and all patterns you can think of. It's like some prince of shirts from a fairy tale. I'm surprised that this expression never occurred to me until now. I imagine how he'd react if I called him the 'prince of shirts' in my dream. Or 'the princess of shirts'. I think he'd love it. To be fair I'm last person who has right to tease him on this matter bc I myself have too many clothing as well. I collect type of clothes I like as well. In my dream I showed him once of my caps collection and my silk shirts collection. God I hope that didn't freak him out. I used to think, if we really get to live together, we'd need a bigger place just bc of all the clothing. In my dream, I think I told him once that I never expected him to be someone who's into fashion, well not extremely into but not as boring and terrible as nerds. I quite like it. But I think he didn't know how much I like it.
The dream of ‘sweatpants or jogger' is about one of my favorite dates. In that dream, he wore a casual pants that he didn't know how to call. From his description I think it's a sweatpants. Americans also call it jogger bc they do casual jogging in those I guess, around neighborhood not like trail running. He told me he found it not appropriate or a bit embarrassing to wear it outside. I didn't really get it as it's pretty loose for me. The old me would find extremely shy to wear leggings in public bc it's too tight and show everything of one's body. Maybe bc we wanted to confirm about the word, he sent me a selfie with that pants. He had a big smile as he always does. He was wearing a t-shirt that I had never seen but quite like, a grey one with white on round collar. And he was in his sweatpants, seemed like a thin and quite loose one, seemed very comfortable in. He was standing in front of the mirror and on the carpet. Later in that dream, for some reason we ate together. I think that was the only time we(he) ate something proper with me. Maybe we talked till the time a bit late. His dinner and my midnight. And bc of that, I got lucky to be taken to the kitchen, where I was put in wait while he made(assembled) his sandwiches. I think I had been in a similar angle for a couple of times and for some reasons unknown I loved it. In the kitchen waiting for food, in the entry waiting for changing, in the bathroom waiting for shower, in his pocket waiting for him while he was climbing on the big rocks or crossing the intersection in the rain. It's more like an angle of a virtual gf tbh. Someone to be taken with, on anytime, to any place. When you had the computer face to face, it feels real as in you'd feel like a human being. But when you're in a corner you become small, like physically small, like a genie, or like the little cute alpaca he took on a trip. And it feels like you're in a story, a play, or a movie. If felt super romantic in a shy way when we had the food together and I felt like he sensed it too. I asked him this was not like when we were having meals together back while traveling isn't it. And he admitted it wasn't. Idk how exactly romantic can someone feel over sandwiches and snacks but it felt like one of the most romantic meals in my life, maybe not even one of. Idk if I'm delusional and started to picture dreams, but I think he was also worried if I‘d feel anxious if he took me to a restaurant. That was super sweet. I didn't get to tell him, I would feel anxious but not with him. But yea, fancy restaurant will never be as perfect as we did just at the dining table in that dream.
The dream of ‘bunk' and 'configuration' was a funny dream. In this dream, he told me he didn't want me to sleep in his bunk bed up there. He wanted me to sleep in the same bed with him when I visited, which ofc I knew but still teased him. The first time he showed me the full picture of his bed, he told me bc the ceiling was too high so might be a discomfort when lying down and facing it. That's why he had this little bunk up, to cut the space into pieces visually. That was entirely different from what I was thinking. For some reason bc he also mentioned it was an hundred years old building, I somehow mix this one with the high ceiling and had this absurd idea in my head. I don't remember if I really think so or it was half guessing half joking. I think I really seriously had this thought before he told me but was joking after. I asked if the bunk bed was to prevent things crashing down directly onto him if there's something like an earthquake. It was typical idiotic of me, just like when I asked him if the tarp was for sun-proofing. Who the fuck would use a tarp for sun-proofing? And that made me laugh out loud. Now I even wonder how come he didn't burst into laughing in the sharing car. Did he hold it? Or did he not find it too ridiculous? He just friendly joked that luckily we were not those people who came later and got their backpacks up there.
The dream of 'widget' was his idea. He thought it'd be easier to have a shared calendar instead of him keeping asking me about my work plan due to his bad memory. There were some sweet things I really liked. I left tiny notes somewhere which completely had nothing to do with our schedules. And I never thought he would wrote back to me. The first time we did that, he got me with those butterflies. But honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good idea if I had another chance in another life. I probably would still create or share my plan with him, but maybe not his. I think far from our intentions and out of surprise, it visualized the time he spent and became something that gradually set us apart instead of holding us together. But neither of us realized it until it was too late.
The dream of 'intermittent' was something I'd like to keep a secret. If that happened, would literally be a dream of mine.
The dream of 'situationship' and 'ambiguous' wasn't our dream. Or I refused it to be. Or was not the dream that I wanted us to live at least. I'd still share my experience with him as I wanted if he also liked to know, just not in this framework. I wonder if he understands why I said 'framework' as he claimed he's a big fan and I always doubted and joked about it.
Some dreams ended too soon, too abrupt. Like if you've ever took a sleeping pill but was forced to wake up when the drug was still in your system, going on strong. Your thoughts, your emotions, your future are still over there, but your body, your sense are all dragged to here, the other side. You were shaken awake, not patted, not called. You'd think this is another artsy metaphor but it's not. This literally reminds me of the first time when I had the experience. You feel dizzy and nauseous physically, can't tell reality from the truth. You have no time, no buffer, no warning, no countdown, no days, no minutes, no single second, no blink, and you were...awake.
As I remember so vividly clear right before I woke up, he told me the blue jacket he was wearing was good but the zip was not waterproofed, said he also needed to change to a waterproofed pants for something like this. He got his same old cap on but it's not waterproofed either. I was thinking I got some nice jackets and pants for my favorite activity and how we do it together in the rain. That burning blue, like the sun, left a final and eternal mark on my retina, never to fade.