Things started to fall apart hard for me today. After a whole week.

I cried and wrote in the middle of last night.

Then it comes again after the morning work.

It comes in waves. Tears are waves that keep rushing towards me.

You were never the crazy one among us my love.

You know I'm the that one who is weird.

You said, we're not normal.

I said, yes we're peculiar but I love it.

I want you to take me with you to your shower again.

I can't name why but I like it so much that you didn't feel it strange just a little hard.

I already forgot it started with you asked me, or I encouraged you to. I think a bit of both. I said I don't feel it weird at all as long as you don't.

And you didn't. Aren't we a perfect pair?

You told me I'm the first girl you take here to shower.

May I be that first girl for you still for a while, for longer?

I never thought I'd be so into being someone's first until you.

I'm the first one you booked long flight tickets for yourself.

I'm the first one you had hours of video calls when you couldn't even picture what to do.

I'm the first one you asked friends for serious help.

I'm the first one you did it with your bare hands.

There was once I messed up the sentence 'I loved our firsts' bc of my poor grammar. You noticed and being cute petty and asked me. I corrected it told you I love this one and more coming in the future. You told me we have so much to look forward to.

You're so many my firsts too, do you know?

You're the first one I booked long flight tickets for myself too.

You're the first one I had hours of video calls as well.

You're the first one I did it in video. I'm so shy and couldn't see it happening at all but it was so naturally easy with you.

You're the first one I went for a night hiking and see sunrise together with.

You're the first one with me when I took the small flight.

You're the first one with me when I shared hostel dorm with a stranger.

You're the first one who sent me flowers. You said you're surprised that I never got any. It was the night before your birthday. Your 11pm, my 5am. It was you and my beloved wild flowers. Then you kept them sending. Day in and day out.

You're the first one I searched and shared knowledge about flowers and plants with. And I intend to keep you the only one on this.

You're the first one I sang for. And I hid all my feelings in those lyrics.

You're the first one I taught my name to so seriously. You were so sweet whereas I did poorly.

You took me for several walks. I loved them all. There was once I can't remember what we did, but I remember you laughed at me 'it's your first time again'. I‘d let you laugh at me for thousand times my love.

Idk if I'm the first one you took a video for. But you're the first one I took for. It was at a beach at Bako. A really roasting day. There were people gathered in a larger shady place to chill. And I sat on the other side of beach, behind some big rocks. I was sitting on a small one in the middle of the water after checking those water whirl holes. And I thought I'd make you a birthday video. So I did. I already don't remember what I said in it. But for my personality I'm way too shy for it, so I never sent it to you. A video is a video although never sent out. Would you spoil me on this as well.

You laughed at me once when I can't help giving you a kiss finally. You said 'this is your first (to me)'. I didn't tell you, that was my first to give to someone ever. Your kisses were always silent, and mine not. I don't even know if you've noticed I kissed you during and after in our voice. Cuz you never said anything back. So I thought you might not know what it is. I'm a super shy person, so usually it really needs a lot for me to initiate things. Idk if you were being a bit devil sometimes. It feels like you were intentionally holding it back and just waited for me to do it first. It feels like you were telling me, if you don't do it today yourself first, then you won't get any. Your trick worked on me pretty well after all. Second time when I hung up I kissed you first again. You were laughing at me being initiative. I think I'd always let you laugh at me. You know, just like you'd let him win when you love him.

Do you remember there were several times that we laughed together and we just couldn't stop bc of each other? That was also the first of my life. That hard and that long. Can we keep it going that way?

How can I let you know my love, that I didn't even know my insecurities would hit me 10 times harder like this.