I talked with Allison for some time yesterday. She was astonished by how long time we spent over the video each day. She said she thought five hours is like couples stay on the line but do their own things separately. I said no. I can't imagine myself doing that. Don't think it'd be my thing and don't understand what's the point. I feel like that's like waste of time. I didn't realize it myself until now. I never asked how you feel. For me it's all fun, sweet and natural. Never felt once we ran out of things to say but forced ourselves to stay online. Maybe it's tedious for you sometimes but I didn't notice again. She said what did you do on the call. And I started to wonder as well. I said we watched one hour tv show twice and 2.5 hours movie once. I can't think of any other activities we did online was mostly silent. So that means we were mostly talking in those hours. I said he took me out for a walk in the nature for several times. And I him once. I told her often we just staring at each other and smile for like 20 minutes before ending the call and she found it absolutely unbelievable just like what I pictured she would react. She laughed out loud and said you were crazy in love. I think she's the type that would never do something like that. She said she's too lazy or reluctant to even text someone back immediately. She would wait for another 5 minute to reply as she doesn't like close connection. I said we did beers and snacks. But that involves talking as well. She laughed at me how 'introverted' I say I am but how talkative I actually am. I told her I'm very different in front of strangers and people I like, which ofc she knows. She said please don't talk to me for five hours. I said ofc not. Also I never think introverted equals silent. I just enjoy being alone and being alone gives me energy, hangout with people takes those energy away even with my close friends. I guess hiking would be a better group activity I enjoy. Shame I can't even do that much with Allison now. Fuck, I kept saying Elis in my head when I was thinking Allison instead. You got me infected.

You got me infected with your cute ‘umm’. Now I kinda ‘hate’ how close it stays with me. Like how sticky when you want to get rid of it. Do you know in language it's times easier to learn a new word from the start than to correct oneself from a wrong fixed pronunciation? I guess so for other habits. I don't know if you ‘corrected’ me with your little thing. I want to recorrect myself back but it doesn't work so far. It's especially annoying due to my work. I see myself in video and hear myself doing that with my students on a daily basis.

I told her I've had birth control pills for ten days. I never had any before. I can't buy it for like only one pack, so I bought three. Now what the fuck do I do with two and half pack of birth control pills? It‘s not ibuprofen. That was what I planned to take for all our trips in the next 6 months. It's so annoying. I got your email last night says you won't block me there. Idk what the fuck are you doing or what do you mean. You blocked me on WhatsApp instantly after you sent goodbye. Yes I harassed you for a week mostly bc I didn't exactly know why you suddenly want to end it. Now since I've known, and even during middle, I quitted every sharing things we had. And I thought that is what you would like and also what is better for you. If I could throw my WeChat and email away, I would do it too. You literally wrote to me that we're strangers now in one of your email replies. You basically suggested that I rushed you and forced you to be my bf, that we were not taking things slow, that there's even no friendship between us at all and it's all my fault. You used the word 'hate'. I never know that's how you felt as you chased me. I thought we had more than just passion and romance. We learned new things together, worked on the same project together. How it all became just infatuation to you. Was it all we had to you? I still don't know is it bc we had such different opinions and perceptions on the same past event, or you had Sunday messed up your head. Or maybe, I'm the one who's losing my mind. I don't understand if you wanted to build strong friendship first then gradually see if we can be more, then why did you chase me so aggressively. You said there's nothing left between us now. That hit me hard. Nothing. But with hatred, complaining and blame.

Allison joked those staring we had were desire. I said I guess you can say so. Then I asked her what kind of desire was she talking about. I said she’s evil but I know I am the one who actually has a dirty mind. I don’t remember what I said to her to clear it. But I would choose another word if in English. Burning longing. I longed for you.

I have tons of wallpapers of your pic on my phone. I used to love changing it almost daily. Every time I had a new picture of you, I will put it on and changed with fonts and colors that suits. As if I would never get tired of it. Then it stopped completely at one picture. And no matter how cute how good looking your old or new pictures are, they can’t stay as long as this one. Actually, they can't even last a day, not even hours. It is the burning red poppies in the mostly dry field. The vertical one on my phone and horizontal one on my Mac. They stayed since. It surprised me so much that it can even beat the picture of you in Peru. That’s heaven for sure. But this, this is my heaven. Messy and raw. Wind pushing down the tall grass. Dark green forest stays in silence far away. Clouds rolling and lighting up the massive ground. Not shining golden but metallic. Matte. Among all those, three coral poppies in full bloom. Standing still, or dancing along with their green dates.

Allison said I’m a very self-focused person. I think so. I'm sorry I made you fall for a girl who loves solitude. I thought you would have known a bit who I am when we shared those nights. I once told you that you're the only reason that makes me doubt the life alone here bc it's not convenient to visit you from here compares to hometown. You said but you love it. Yes, I love it here. You once knew well, at least I thought so. Now I'm suddenly a stranger to you, someone you have no idea why would they choose to move so far away from families and friends. You said it's your life as if you don't care who is this freak. But I wasn't just moving away from them, but also from heavy crowds, from concrete forest, from extreme climate, from terrible traffics and many more where I don't belong to. But I guess yes, if you don't love someone, anything can be the reason you don't belong together. Now, even me not having as many hobbies disgusted you. I once thought we belong to us. But maybe we only belong to summer. We met in summer. We both are summer kids. And summer ends by my birthday, just like we did. I never hide myself from you. I never told you I'm the party animal or social butterfly. I told you I'm socially awkward. I told you I'm clumsy. I told you I‘m an outcast from young but I liked it later. I'm the one who didn't initiate conversations when we stopped at convenient store half way for rest. I'm the one who acts weird sometimes especially among people. I'm the one who doesn’t care too much about mingling into the group. And even if I want to or try to, I'm terrible at it. I can sometimes but it seems not really my interests. But that's just me.

I doubt things will be so different if without those mountains and seas, unless we let each other be who we truly are.

Even if I can be completely fine without you if I were there alone, you won't like it. You want to take your girl all the time with your friends-family. But how I can possibly be just another one of you? I told you very early I'm not just another one of you and it's not realistic to expect me to. I won't be able to speak your language that much. I once told you I don't hang out much in groups with friends back home. Very often I have no idea who is the actor they're talking about or the trending movie etc. You asked me, wouldn't that be lonely? I don't remember how did I answer but I think yes, it's a type of loneliness among the people, because there are hobbies difference between us, sometimes even culture differences I think. If you were here living with me and my friends, and I took you weekly to our activities. We all talk in my language but you. And yes I can translate but how would you feel for almost everything you'd need my translation. Won't you be worried about the trouble it brings along to my friends? Won't you feel lonely? It'd be even lonelier than you stay at home and enjoy yourself. But if you need your girl to be fully immersed in every aspects of your friendship life, not just compromise, can she even be a foreigner at all? That shouldn't take anyone nearly three months to figure it out. So do you want a girl that can perfectly fit into your ideal life there? Or did you finally realize you want to mould me and fit me into that template like a doll? Or were we both trying to do so and forgot who we fall in love with, if that's any love.

We say the word bubble. But I think even my partner would be sometimes completely outside of my own bubble. Otherwise how would I want to keep some of my solo trips still? When we were still talking, you said, but how long can someone stay alone just by themselves. I got no answers for you then but for me it’s really easy. Me in my own world. Would love to sit in that poppy field for hours just all by myself. You remember how we enjoyed silence in night at Romlan? That’s my heaven. The hanging moon, the boat with bulbs on, the lighting striking above the sky, the lights in the mountain village, the waves. We shared the same air, that I felt you nearby without looking at you. That I felt safe without needing to squeeze topics out just to keep the conversation going. That it seemed you felt the same. That yet you didn’t go away. That you didn’t push close. That you were just right next to me. Stay with me together looking into the darkness. That we were the only two witnesses of this beautiful strange world. It’s solitude with you. For me, that’s perfectly 'alone together'.

It's not those mountains and seas between us that you hate. You forgot it is me.