It has been only a week.
One week ago, you hated almost every aspect of me. You hated everything I brought into your life. I am a thief who steals your friends-family from you. You kept defending as if I would do anything to them from here, if that's even possible. Most of the things you said to me, from chatting records to your email replies, hatred leaks out from all your words. It's dark. It's thick. It's viscous. It's poisonous. It engulfed you. I can't even recognize that person from the gentle guy I know. I stood outside, terrified and speechless. I wanted to reach out my arms but I got scolded back. I had never seen that side of you before. I keep wondering how much hate it takes for you to think someone forced you into a relationship. Do you even still remember any truth of how we started this? Do you even remember you chased me too hard that at some point I had to stop and ask you what is this all about. And you finally admitted that I might already noticed that you liked me maybe a bit more than just friends. You wanted me to notice, really bad. It'd need to be a completely fool to not notice anything. When you broke up with me, I suddenly became the most obnoxious person in the world. I am a monster who has the power to coerce someone getting close and stay with me.
How ironically. One week later you suddenly don't remember anything and tell me that you have no hard feelings. Idk who I was talking to. If that person who hated me so much was not you, then who was he? You seemed went back to the normal state I know, without love, but still with tenderness. But my wound is still fresh, not just from the breakup, but also from another version of you I hardly knew.
This distance between us did some strange things on both of us. For me, it amplifies my insecurities. I don’t remember when it started. At first it’s not easily detected. I felt safe and spoiled. I felt so welcomed by your hospitable friends. I was surprised by how they embraced someone who's so foreign to them. Then the uncertainties crept in before I realized. I was put on a veil, and watched you all together behind it. The veil I was wearing obscured my worries and fears. I was consumed by self‑doubt bit by bit. And you barely noticed my vulnerabilities. So I carefully hid them. Gradually that veil became denser and heavier. It weighed me down, every single minute you were away from me. How can I let you know, when I didn't even know my insecurities would hit me 10 times harder like this. I stumbled through pitch darkness. Yet you were in somewhere lighter and warmer. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pierce this heavy veil between you and me. Have you ever looked back my past lover, when I needed your help to lift it for me?
Please don’t say you wish. There’s no wish. Only do or do not. Not in between. If your love ended, why are you still here? There are only embers and ashes left here, no flames for you anymore, not even sparks. I assume there will be no flame for me anymore later, only something smoldering that I cannot put out. The slow smolder of affection. The slow smolder of pining. The slow smolder of sting. The slow smolder of frustration.
You say if it were not for those mountains and seas, everything would be so different. We're not Gods. We can't change how we met or who we are. We can't change the rule of the entire game. We are simply given cards. And those cards are the only parts that we can play with, not others. I don't want to rewrite the stars and dream of being a local girl for you. I want to stand beneath the same starry sky with you, no matter how much it takes to join the game. I didn't know it was such a tough game. But I know now and I know my enemy better. And if that enemy is not you then I'm not afraid. Yes, maybe someday I will call it off myself too. But for me, seems not today yet. You say we are too different. You chose to ignore those things bring us together. The curiosity we have for languages and explore unknown things. The compulsive disorder you were amused by when I pointed out. The tranquillity we pursue in the great nature. The sense of humor that bond us tighter more than just fondness. The soul of sensibility and romance. The constant struggle between ourselves and our rationality.
I let you fought too hard. Sometimes even harder than I wanted or needed but I suppose you did it all for me. You remember that '8' drunk call we had after you spent the night by the dam? I liked it very much but I didn't want you to call me as you already did a short one during with friends. I wanted you to have a good rest after a buddy beer night. But you said you wanted to bc you know I liked it. We talked for two hours and you said you're not scared to call me when tipsy as you were anymore. You told me lots of things you might find it not so easy to discuss when sober. And I was grateful of it. So were those last two date mornings. I didn't need them cuz we had afternoon but I was happy when you offered. I should've thought carefully and seriously when I noticed there was a sarcasm in your tone when you said that I don't want to waste any of time. But I let it slip. I felt something was off but I couldn't understand at that time bc you suggested it first when you didn't have to at all. I just regret letting you push yourself too hard to the point that there's no way back. If I knew you were doing that just for me but not willing to, I would have said no to you really. I had no idea at all when you were already at your limit but you were still giving, forcing yourself to give. I got someone who just forced himself to be with me for this long and I didn't even know. I laughed at myself how ignorant I have been.
We accelerated when we were supposed to slow down until we finally crashed. You should know better than anyone else that how little a jolt can destroy us this way. You see it as a failure, not something we can learn together and regain balance then get back on the road again someday. I don't know what to say. I deleted everything today.