It has been only a week.
One week ago, you hated almost every aspect of me. You hated everything I brought into your life. I am a thief who steals your friends-family from you. You kept defending as if I would do anything to them from here, if that's even possible. Most of the things you said to me, from chatting records to your email replies, hatred leaks out from all your words. It's dark. It's thick. It's viscous. It's poisonous. It engulfed you. I can't even recognize that person from the gentle guy I know. I stood outside, terrified and speechless. I wanted to reach out my arms but I got scolded back. I had never seen that side of you before.
How ironically. One week later you suddenly don't remember anything and tell me that you have no hard feelings. Idk who I was talking to. If that person who hated me so much was not you, then who was he? You seemed went back to the normal state I know, without love, but still gentle. But my wound is still fresh, not just from the breakup, but also from another version of you I hardly knew.
This distance between us did some strange things on both of us. For me, it amplifies my insecurities. I don’t remember when it started. At first it’s not easily detected. I felt safe and spoiled. I felt so welcomed by your hospitable friends. I was surprised by how they embraced someone who's so foreign to them. Then the uncertainties crept in before I realized. I was put on a veil, and watched you all together behind it. The veil I was wearing obscured my worries and fears. I was consumed by self‑doubt bit by bit. And you barely noticed my vulnerabilities. So I carefully hid them. Gradually that veil became denser and heavier. It weighed me down, every single minute you were away from me. How can I let you know, that I didn't even know my insecurities would hit me 10 times harder like this. I stumbled through pitch darkness. Yet you were in somewhere lighter and warmer. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pierce this heavy veil between you and me. Have you ever looked back my past lover, when I needed your help to lift it for me?
Please don’t say you wish. There’s no wish. Only do or do not. Not in between. If your love ended, why are you still here? There are only embers and ashes left here, no flames for you anymore. I assume there will be no flame for me anymore later, only something smoldering that I cannot put out. The slow smolder of affection. The slow smolder of pine. The slow smolder of tingling. The slow smolder of frustration.