I think I wrote to you to ask you seriously consider cutting off all ties between us including email etc. Like completely ditch your email for your own mental health. But somehow I can't find the email sent today. I'm still emotional unstable, experiencing all these later than you, delayed and overwhelming as usual so maybe I was hallucinating. I haven't talked to you for a long time so I don't know how your perceptions changed from you hated me during breakup to calm now. I'm sure you made the right choice and won't ever changed it and I understand. And I'm sorry about asking you the stupid question of the future. I'm gonna try my best to handle how your ideas changed quickly. A week earlier you wrote to me listed every reasons you think we were terrible together and do not fit. Some of them were even a bit ridiculous to me, almost feel like you were finding reasons just to support yourself with the decision of breaking up. You even said you're so happy you wrote it bc it made your head clearer. A week later you suddenly told me you think it has something to do with the distance between us, otherwise everything would be so different. Almost as if you don't think we are that incompatible anymore. Then you also replied me something blessing as if you wishing to hear from me when I finally get better and everything becomes past. It's so hard for me to process between these, different sides of you. But I know breakups are messy. If you don't want me to have false hope, just cut everything and I won't hate you for doing that. I'm so stupid you won't be able to even seeing this now. I don't even have my own firm opinion about us anymore after everything. But I know I'd want you to be relieved as you told me. I'm sorry this whole thing was such a terrible experience for you.
I taught you the word shame. Why did you choose to let me know it's a shame for you too when your decision didn't change? How would that help us moving on with knowing it is a what-if? We don't live in the world of what-if. You might as well always be that assertive, rational, cold-blooded you. How does it help to let the other person know hey I agree we have so much things we can improve in this scenario we were so inexperienced but I'm gonna pass anyway. I just don't understand you. You crashed me with a single sentence.
'I hate those mountains and seas between us. Everything would be so different.'
Why? This is so contradictory of your own theory. Didn't you say we're just too different? Aren't we just too different to compromise?
Exactly how stupid you are to expect that there would be anything close to friendship left between us in the future. I literally wrote something to you and told you do not have that false hope I won't be able to give you something like that ever. And you wrote back to me something like maybe one day you will. I'm feeling a bit pissed and extremely frustrated all over again. I thought you hated me and what I brought along, didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, and walking away from everything makes you feel relieved and happy again. I didn't even beg you to stay bc it felt like a hands-down right choice for you. Now your email made it confusing for me again and I couldn't even ask you for an explanation. I hate that I have to move on like this. This is really not the ideal way to get over things. You're such a smart and kind person. Why the hell you did something stupid like this?