I had almost nightmares all tonight. Nothing related to you or us. Just other shitty things happening in my life. Before I fully woke up, my reaction was still go to you and ask for a hug. I don’t remember you ever rely on me once. You must be a strong person. I thought about sending Michal a bday msg. Then maybe delete his contact too. He offered great help when I was desperate when he didn’t have to. But he is also connected to you. I'm thinking about cutting everything I could reach out to you again. I started to regret even happened in your life. Thinking about what I did to someone did nothing wrong but offered great help to me during traveling is hard. I left Harris a hug and told him I would take a friend “you” someday back again. He said the way I said it sounded so sure I will. I think he've met so many tourists ofc and most of them only say things like I'll come back out of courtesy. I guess that was the real plan, taking you to a trip where I've been so far and knowing you'd like it. I gave Nemo a hug after he told me it was nice to have a great talk with me that day in trail. I told Sur to start living her travel dream. Those are all gentle souls I met during my trip. What did I give you. Why can’t I just let go when you said you think being far away and chatting is not a relationship. You made a wise choice and I fucked that up. I remembered how you told me it was already your 53th time to blood donation. I think about what did I fucking do to a kind person like this, who is supposed to completely happy in his own orbit if not meeting me. Why was I so out of my depth thinking I could give you happiness. I think about that I wrote down in my journal, what can you do to keep that smile always on his face. Nothing would be different if were not for those mountains and seas. I would still fuck up. Maybe just a little bit slowly. I think about how you told me twice you think it’s the Big Bang brings us together and that is so romantic to you. And now I think it should be any other girls but me. I think about the only and last movie we watched together and it’s about stars too. Seems like a perfect finale for us. I think about how your say ‘perfect’ when I said those stars words to you in you language. Think about if I could ever erase your tone of satisfaction in my head. I think about the bright moon I saw the night before my bday when we broke up. What did you see the same day if you’re 6 hours behind me. I think about what you mentioned if weren’t being so emotional you would have walked out way earlier.
I think about the journal I did when back in Indonesia when you guys just left. I cried alone at my new hotel. Facing the fact that you texted me all day long, think about the words you said to me when we were by the lake talking about bday. You said hopefully wiser. And I thought with my brain buddy this is not wise at all with what we did all day but my heart just forbid me to walk away. I felt like being put under a spell but I know there's none. I felt like the same way when we were sitting on the beach chair. I felt like I used up all my strength but the only thing I could do is to not push any closer but there's no way I could say no or leave even knowing this might just be another way of losing you.
I don’t know how to forget the way you hold your mouth closed while eating but somehow seem shy and always smiling to me.
I don’t know how to forget the way you hold your huge beer cup with water or fizz.
I don’t know how to forget the day you bought a 2L pineapple juice and you drink it with water. I wondered how much was it really for me or how much for fun.
I don’t know how to forget when you take off your glasses or raise your arms high and rubbing your eyes.
I don’t know how to forget I usually go to the bathroom together with you and I like seeing you standing and leaving and at first you were so shy about it.
I don't know how to forget the way you look at me when I get up for you.
I don’t know how to forget I often get back a bit earlier without you in the camera and I never thought it'd be empty like that forever this soon.
I don’t know how to forget the way you sitting in front of the camera bending a bit closer when you fill those forms or do some research. You laughed that’s not hot to you but it’s the very definition of hot to me.
I don’t know how to forget the way you rest your chin in your hand.
I don’t know how to forget the way you spoiled me every single time and every single way.
I don’t know how to forget when you got jealous of your own friends. You said I call them by their names even more than you. And you taught me how to say your nickname bc your real name seems just like an impossible mission to me from day one to now never changed. I don’t know how to forget the look you had when I finally called you by your nickname.
I don’t know how to forget the way you hold your camera outside. Sometimes you look at me smiling then you switch back and focus on the road. I don’t know how to forget that gaze.
There was something happened during our traveling that I promised to tell you when we see each other again. But I will never get to tell you. So it's like another gifts we left in our drawer, useless.
Today is the day that I hate myself. I can't even persuade myself to ask you to stay.