I literally checked with my AI the other day and the number is actually higher than I remembered. Turns out that we just did it poorly. At least this time.
I woke up wanting to have angry sex with you this morning. I didn’t nor can’t get wet but for some reason it’s not missing you that type of sex anymore. I told myself everything you experienced is normal. If you feel something just let yourself feel. I imagine how it feels for you now, that completely lost the need to talk to or see someone you once loved. I can’t imagine. My desire is still here. It’s twisted. It’s confusing. But it’s still here. I imagine how it is for you. Did you ever feel that way again? I still want to know what are you thinking about us, if you're still thinking sometimes. I imagine how you go out with friends and laugh with them as usual. I’m still curious what's on your mind when you go through that forest alone. I wish I could teleport myself to you or be invisible around you. I wish I could read your mind. I wonder if you still miss us occasionally after all these mess. Does these even feel real to you? Or does it sometimes feel like just a dream that never happened at all? You said we’re not strangers. So what am I to you now? A wrong girl you fell in love with cuz you didn’t know much? A joke you mock at yourself of getting too deep? A terrible mistake that could only happen when without a clear mind? Someone you would have avoided? Someone you would have ran away from earlier? Someone who is a rule-out? A never again?
What am I to you?
A fragment of memory suddenly came to me. It’s during the cabin trip. You were wearing the tie-dye shirt you brought back from Jarkata. I remembered the room striped, rustic, cozy. You were in the boy’s dorm. You had that complex look on your face both a bit embarrassed and also cheerful to show me the shirts your friends bought for you. You were a bit hesitant at first but I talked you into it so easily. I don’t remember if you laughed at yourself first but at some point you really got that feeling of cam girl that I teased you before. I encouraged you and you did the change for me anyway. Another memory with the same t-shirt happened in your company. I'll skip the joke here but you know what was the joke. I haven't told you how much I like your sense of humor especially when you make fun of yourself. It's so attractive. I already noticed when we were still traveling.
Another fragment of memory. I told you I drink some strong liquor and cocktails but don't know wine and you could somehow tell I like sweet things. You and Elis laughed about what I do with egg liquor and told me what do you usually do instead. I told you I gave all martini away bc I don't like them. You told me that you had this idea what I might like to drink for the holiday season. Something like Rosé. I don't usually like girly things tbh but this one I might like. Well I don't have that luck to find out I guess.
The day I took you out. The field was packed due to the weekend and I didn't see it coming. I was a bit anxious about the crowd and so distracted by you, that I totally missed the path to the lakeside. We were laughing about how similar the grasses and the ferns grow wildly in the summer. When we got to the shelter, we were checking the map and you asked me about the interesting building nearby. I told you it was designed to be looked like a peacock. And I don't remember why I had a screenshot of it. I saw my name on your screen later back home, full name, English, Characters and pinyin. It says 7738km. I was wearing a sapphire blue t-shirt and a pair of sky blue pants and I remember how you liked it. I remember I sent you a map the night before and asked if you want some pictures and brief ahead. You seemed okay with that we just improvise. And the screenshot I sent you was in my language so you had no idea except there was a fish icon at the bottom of the triangle. And you were like, are we go fishing? That made me laugh.
The day you took me to the forest. You opened your pin so I can roughly know where we were going. It's not easy to check both map and video at the same time. I remembered I thought I needed two devices for this. And I thought did I do it poorly when I introduced my surroundings to you when we were at the cross. I've never did anything like this with anyone else. My memory already got blurry maybe also bc you took me out too many times. I think we went one way first then another way later cuz I re member there was like cross in the forest. And later you said there's a shortcut or short way back home but we took another way. Was this the day you wore my favorite lime green t-shirt?
You once worried that you can't make a perfect travel plan when I go there. I said I don't want to go here and there. I just want to see you and spend some time with you, like daily life. I literally didn't want to go anywhere special and do anything special before I had to write down an itinerary for visa. But even those I don't need at all. You said, then maybe a little fun in some days would be like bonus. I agree that you don't need to stress about it. Just plain daily life was even a luxury.
What was I to you?
I might be the car you were chasing blindly. But you were never a mistake, nor a rush, nor a high to me.