Distance hurt both of us in different ways. Even though those hurts probably only existed with distance not irl. We let those hurt we got from distance get into our heads and then hurt each other. I already have no ways of knowing what you really think happened to us. Sometimes I wonder if your idea change with time, like to see it clearer, but not like hoping you'd come back. It already felt like a past life for me, the memories of us ever being together. Or like memories that once belonged to another person, and I'm only the body that carries it now. Pain and all the mixed feelings still goes on strong, but it's as if I got bad bruises from I don’t remember when and where. Somewhere there's no way I could chase back, but still need to deal with it every minute in the current life I'm living in.
You know funny thing, I actually got pretty bad bruises from our actual crash and I even took a picture. I remember the day you left, I lay on my bed staring and touching it. I guess we all know it will end, at some point, but those bruises were never what I planned or wanted to leave you. Plus I really thought we would last a bit longer. I guess I never thought I'd be like this in this distance. You are the first person that I exposed myself so much after...Idk it that's right or wrong. Does that prolong your healing? Or does that help you to know me better? You said those words are beautiful. But those are my pain. Do you feel the pain I feel while reading it? Or is it already someone else's story to you now? How I wish you’d tell me when I have those intrusive thoughts, hold me and tell me those are not real, those are just your fears, deepest fears. Tell me I’m here and I’m with you and I’m not leaving and we gonna get through those together and see each other soon. How I wish to be accepted by you in my most vulnerable state. But how can I expect it with a technically stranger? That'd be too much of an ask. It's only normal for you to say, this is too much to bear, as you said it.
I cried again, recalling the very last time we 'talked'. You're still there, back to the normal gentle, a bit funny version of you I know. It's hard to see you still there the same. It's hard to hold tremendous feelings for someone who already walked away but talked to you as if you were always just...pals. It's even harder than to never hear from you again. It's a reminder of what I want to have but can never hold again, but still there.
I cried, recalling we went through a low gate between two yards when we were sightseeing. I can't remember which one anymore. I'm not great with their names, and they're all full of...same style of buildings. I think once get in the inner yard, there are some closed buildings to the left, and some open one to the right. I think we even sit at the right one for couple of minutes and there was a huge pole which is used to crash some crops etc. You two tried lifting etc. I remember it was a pretty low and narrow gate to get into the inner yard. And there are some plants on, maybe at least mosses. And sunlight shine on that gate while we passing through. Everything is still and time didn't pause but seems in a slow-motion. And how small it is allows me to get to stay in a closer distance with you, even for just a few seconds. I know how cliche it sounds but in that moment, there seems just you and me, although you have absolutely no idea how I feel. I think there was a totem in the middle of the yard, or several, just like where we have seen in previous sites. And I stand in front of one, with you next to me, not close, nor far. Those totem are multiple heads vertical one after another. I asked you, do you think those on the top are real hair, only bc I was wondering since I've seen it earlier. I thought about it should be real if it's sacred thing. And out of my surprise, you said...you could use some. And that small gate and our conversation in front of the totem was one of my favorite memories there. And once thinking about there is no way in this world that I could let you know anymore...how stunningly beautiful it was to me, crushes me. I remember when I walked out that gate, I slow down deliberately. We go out but I didn't want to. It doesn't feel like just a gate, more like a portal to me. If it's a portal, can I just...stay there? Why I never even let you know, that I fall in love with you slow burn and big time? Why I did everything all too late? I'm like you. I don't have feelings for random people easily. But when I did, it last for a long long time. Tell me how to lose this feeling? Now only the notification left on my screen saver reminds me of that all of these were not just a dream. "无照片".
Do you know how cruel you were when you broke up with me? You started to say things like my girl would be like this. My girl would be like that. And that’s not you. You didn’t even care to say my ideal partner. Did you realize how jarring it sounded to me and how it pierced into my heart as you once called me your girl too. The way you repeated your principle to me, almost felt like you were deliberately using it to hurt me, things were not necessary to say at all, you said it just to brand it on me, just so that I remember. Your words felt like stakes punched into my heart. It doesn't even make sense as you were already leaving and I wasn't even asking you to stay. I put away all my pieces somewhere you couldn't see. I didn't make a scene. I tried my best to ask reasons politely. I didn't call your nickname. I tried to avoid everything that could possibly make it hard for you. But it feels like you just need to hurt me...to leave. As if just leaving itself wasn't enough hurt for me.
Is that the last impression you had for me? A monster who stole your time and ate up your friends. Maybe I really am an evil dragon who only wants the princess for myself I just never noticed. I'm not even sure myself at this point tbh. Or at least, we somehow became monsters in each other’s eyes no matter how much efforts we put in? Do you think it will only happen again as long as we were trapped in this long distance maze?