9️⃣ Dream
I had a dream about us again last night. This is the third within a week. It's getting a bit crazy as I don't think I had ever dreamed anyone this frequently. In my dream I was telling you I found flight tickets at a good price. Just like it once happened in real life. Then again, I found myself awake in the dark all alone. You like Inception and photography. I never told you years ago when I broke up with an ex, I had dreams like that. Layers and layers of dreams that I can never fully wake up from, one after another, until I finally woke up bc of my coworker's alarm and I realized that I was in the hotel on a business trip. It's not as fun as you think at all. It's traumatic, finding that what you think you are in and what you're facing are actually two different worlds.
I try to find some real evidence we had been together, but apart from that broken plastic bracelet in my drawer, I got nothing. Even that can’t prove all of this was nothing but a dream in my head. So were the bracelet and the hug how our story actually ended? I liked you so much that I made up all this in my head after getting back from my dreamland?
I had this idea for a long time but regret that I never did it. I wanted to write down all the words we encountered like in one list but now they already started to disappear in my memory. So I'll try my best to save them. Maybe try to do something bc there's no way that I can save those night dreams.
TMI
stuck
aroused
head over heels / twist one's neck？
tipsy
spoil
fizz
drag queen
plaid
indulge
rain check
cami (camisole)
cockblocker
sweatpants / jogger
high maintenance
silver lining
composure
SUP
tie-dye
attaboy
hooked
bunk
configuration
widget
wedge（ˇ）caron / háček（抑扬符 / 小钩）
(wedge几何描述, caron正式名称, Háček捷克语/语言学语境)
acute（ˊ）（尖音符）
intermittent
sparse
grater
chip in
situationship
ambiguous
shame / pity
Some inside jokes:
Michal
Suspicious
I don’t hate it.
Fish - finish
I’ll take what you give me. (Beggers can’t be choosers.)
Bad English
Video or video?
I like you already.
When I had this idea, it was bc I had the same compulsion as you do, about language, or about something I don't know and I just wanna figure it out. Now only after starting this project, I realized they were more than words, but all the keys I hold to our stories, or to my dreams.
The 'dream' of 'tipsy' is that in my dream I fell in love with a boy who was into beers. He called beer his best friend and he hung out with this friend quite often. He taught me trivia about beers that I didn't know. But he didn't know the word tipsy when I mentioned it. That made me so surprised bc he had a good command of English, both speaking and written, like almost perfect to me. I have a compulsion for sure but I rarely find myself having that urge to correct him. I think his was even better than mine. So I found it interesting that this seemed like just his blind spot maybe, but given all the reasons how is that even possible. That dream already got blurry and the only thing I remember is I laughed at him and told him that I'll call him 'tipsy' as his new name. He seemed to like it and was very happy. He seemed to had a quirky character of enjoying when I teased him. It's not a quirk to me at all bc I'm just like him. He teased me twice about my math and libido. I especially love it when he joked with 'you know?'. He warned me that this might be something he'd tease me for life. I don't mind at all. I'd beg for it. And I think he didn't know how weird I am on this. I only wondered now how annoying it must be for him to put up with my English esp. my grammar. I remember he told me how he had to hear poor English once on his online meeting and just less than a second ago from the same coworker who just sat right opposite to him. That was quite hilarious. It'd drive me crazy. But he tolerated me.
The 'dream' of 'plaid' is that I fell in love with someone who loved plaid shirts, or, in his words, checkers. He even noticed that I was showing off a tiny bit when I mentioned another word. And for the record, I had to double check this one before I told him. But I do know lots of words about clothing so I couldn't help it, sorry. In my dream he had idk at least 20 different plaid shirts, mostly regular, some thicker as a fall jacket and a blue special one for riding. He had all colors and all patterns you can think of. It's like some prince of shirts from a fairy tale. I'm surprised that this expression never occurred to me until now. I imagine how he'd react if I called him the 'prince of shirts' in my dream. Or 'the princess of shirts'. I think he'd love it. To be fair I'm the last person who has the right to tease him on this matter bc I myself have too many clothes as well. I collect the type of clothes I like as well. In my dream I showed him my caps collection once and my silk shirts collection. God I hope that didn't freak him out. I used to think, if we really got to live together, we'd need a bigger place just bc of all the clothes. In my dream, I think I told him once that I never expected him to be someone who was into fashion, well not extremely into but not as boring and terrible as nerds. I quite like it. But I think he didn't know how much I liked it.
The 'dream' of 'sweatpants / jogger' is about one of my favorite dates. In that dream, he wore a pair of casual pants that he didn't know what to call them. From his description I think they're a sweatpants. Americans also call them joggers bc they do casual jogging in those I guess, around neighborhood not like trail running. He told me he found it not appropriate or a bit embarrassing to wear it outside. I didn't really get it as it's pretty loose for me. The old me would find it extremely shy to wear leggings in public bc it's too tight and shows everything of one's body. Maybe bc we wanted to confirm about the word, he sent me a selfie with those pants. He had a big smile as he always did. He was wearing a T-shirt that I had never seen but quite liked, a grey one with white on the round collar. And he was in his sweatpants, it seemed thin and quite loose, and he seemed very comfortable in it. He was standing in front of the mirror and on the carpet. Later in that dream, for some reason we ate together. I think that was the only time we(he) ate something proper with me. Maybe we talked till the time a bit late. His dinner and my midnight. And bc of that, I got lucky to be taken to the kitchen, where I was put on hold while he made(assembled) his sandwiches. I think I had been in a similar angle for a couple of times and for some reasons unknown I loved it. In the kitchen waiting for food, in the entry waiting for changing, in the bathroom waiting for shower, in his pocket waiting for him while he was climbing on the big rocks or crossing the intersection in the rain. It's more like an angle of a virtual gf tbh. Someone to be taken with, at any anytime, to any place. When you had the computer face to face, it felt real as in you'd feel like a human being. But when you're in a corner you become small, like physically small, like a genie, or like the little cute alpaca he took on a trip. And it feels like you're in a story, a play, or a movie, something fantasy. It felt super romantic in a shy way when we had the food together and I felt like he sensed it too. I asked him, this is not like when we were having meals together back when we were traveling, is it? And he admitted it wasn't. Idk how exactly romantic someone can feel over sandwiches and snacks but it felt like one of the most romantic meals in my life, maybe not even one of. Idk if I'm delusional and started to picture dreams, but I think he was also worried if I‘d feel anxious if he took me to a restaurant. That was super sweet. I didn't get to tell him, I would feel anxious but not with him. But yea, a fancy restaurant will never be as perfect as what we did just at the dining table in that dream.
The 'dream' of 'bunk' and 'configuration' was a funny dream. In this dream, he told me he didn't want me to sleep in his bunk bed up there. He wanted me to sleep in the same bed with him when I visited, which ofc I knew but still teased him. The first time he showed me the full picture of his bed, he told me bc the ceiling was too high so might be a discomfort when lying down and facing it. That's why he had this little bunk up, to cut the space into pieces visually. That was entirely different from what I was thinking. For some reason bc he also mentioned it was a hundred years old building, I somehow mix this one with the high ceiling and had this absurd idea in my head. I don't remember if I really think so or it was half guessing half joking. I think I really seriously had this thought before he told me but was joking after. I asked if the bunk bed was to prevent things crashing down directly onto him if there's something like an earthquake. And that made him laugh out loud. It was typical idiotic of me, just like when I asked him if the tarp was for sun-proofing. Who the fuck would use a tarp for sun-proofing? Now I even wonder how come he didn't burst into laughing in the shared taxi. Did he hold it? Or did he not find it too ridiculous? He just friendly joked that luckily we were not those people who came later and got their backpacks up there.
The 'dream' of 'widget' was his idea. He thought it'd be easier to have a shared calendar instead of him keeping asking me about my work plan due to his bad memory. There were some sweet things I really liked. I left tiny notes somewhere which completely had nothing to do with our schedules. And I never thought he would write back to me. The first time we did that, he got me with those butterflies. But honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good idea if I had another chance in another life. I probably would still create or share my plan with him, but maybe not his. I think that far from our intentions and to our surprise, it visualized the time he spent online but not necessarily the same irl. And that became something that gradually set us apart instead of holding us together. We basically created a system to fuck us up. But neither of us realized it until it was too late. And I believe he still doesn't know till now.
The 'dream' of 'intermittent' was something I'd like to keep a secret. If that happened, would literally be a dream of mine.
The 'dream' of 'situationship', 'ambiguous' and 'shame / pity' wasn't our dream. Or I refused it to be. Or was not the dream that I wanted us to live at least. I'd still share my experience with him as I wanted if he also liked to know, just not in this framework. I wonder if he understands why I said 'framework' as he claimed he's a big fan and I always doubted and joked about it.
Some dreams ended too soon, too abrupt. Like if you've ever taken a sleeping pill but were forced to wake up when the drug was still in your system, going strong. Your thoughts, your emotions, your future are still over there, but your body, your sense are all dragged to here, the other side. You were shaken awake, not patted, not called. You'd think this is another artsy metaphor but it's not. This literally reminds me of the first time when I had the experience. You feel dizzy and nauseous physically, can't tell reality from the dream. You have no time, no buffer, no warning, no countdown, no days, no minutes, no single second, no blink, and you were...awake.
As I remember it so vividly, right before I was woken up that evening, he told me the blue jacket he was wearing was good but the zip was not waterproof, and said he also needed to change into a pair of waterproof pants for something like this. He got his same old cap on but it was not waterproof either. I was thinking that I got some nice jackets and pants for my favorite activity, and about how we did it together in the rain. That burning blue, like the sun, left a final and eternal mark on my retina, never to fade.